Trying
by starryeve
Summary: Grissom finally listens to his heart. Will Sara let herself fall again?


******Disclaimer: I own NOTHING. Not the show, not the characters, not the song...NOTHING. By the way, the song is "Trying To Love You" - sung by Trisha Yearwood. Not sure who wrote it, but it wasn't me.**

**P.S. this has not been beta'd. please forgive me.**

**Trying**

"Sara, I asked you a question." Grissom gazed across the desk at her with expectant eyes.

"I know. I'm sorry," she replied, staring at the wall behind him, "I'm just a little stunned, that's all."

"Do you still love me?" Grissom asked her again. "I know I've made it next to impossible for you, and I won't blame you if you don't, but I need to know."

He saw the brief look of dejection in her eyes, and immediately regretted broaching the subject with her. Why did he think he had a right to ask her now, after over a year of treating her like she was an outcast? She had done nothing but express her true feelings for him, and he tossed them aside like they were trash. Now here he was, hoping that for some unknown reason she had held on to those feelings through all the pain he had caused her. After still no response from Sara, he stood up and walked around to the front of the desk to stand in front of her. Taking her hands in his, he said, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Sara spoke for the first time in what felt like ages.

"For everything. For the way I dismissed your feelings as if they were nothing; for the way I've treated you; and for asking you if you still love me in spite of those things."

Sara stood up and walked to the office door. Turning to look at him as she opened it, she said, "Griss?"

"Yes, Sara…" Grissom replied, a faint glimmer of hope in his eyes.

"I'm trying."

Sara left Grissom's office and made her way back down the hall to the break room. She sat at the table and tried to make sense of the situation at hand. Her head in her hands, she listened as the radio played in the background. The "twang" of country music had never appealed to her, but nevertheless, she didn't feel like getting out of her chair to change the station. She didn't feel like getting out of that chair, _ever_. She tried to ignore the music, but as the slow, tender notes began pouring out the speakers, she couldn't help but listen. As she listened closely to the opening lyrics, her head sank to the table, and she finally allowed herself to cry.

_I blew out all my plans_

_The world fell in my hands_

_The day that I began_

_Trying to love you_

_The secrets I have kept_

_The nights I haven't slept_

_I've laughed until I've wept_

_Trying to love you_

"Sara, honey, what's wrong?" Nick practically flew into the lounge when he saw her crying. Kneeling down beside her, he placed a comforting arm around her waist and pulled her into a hug. "Are you okay?"

"Do I look okay?" Sara cried.

"Well, no…but you know, some people just can't look as good as me," Nick joked, acting as though he was flipping hair back off his shoulders.

Sara smiled faintly. "You keep telling yourself that."

"Seriously, what happened?"

"It's…it's...not supposed…to be like…this," Sara said as she began to cry harder.

"What isn't supposed to be how?" Nick asked, his confusion obvious on his face.

"This…us."

"You and me?" Nick's confusion was mounting.

"No, Nick. Me…and…" Sara's sobs overruled her speech, but Nick didn't need to hear the rest to know whom she was talking about.

"Sara," Nick's tone turned serious as he turned her to face him, "What did he say to you? If he was out of line, you just tell me and I'll go have a little 'discussion' with him."

"No, it wasn't anything out of line. I was just caught off guard, and I'm really confused, and I just sat there, not saying anything, and then I just bolted, and I'm _really_ confused…"

"And you're rambling…" Nick laughed. "Why don't you just start at the beginning?"

Sara wiped her face with the back of her hand and leaned back in her chair. She took a deep breath and wondered if she would be able to tell Nick what happened without crying again.

"He paged me to his office. When I got there he told me to sit down and shut the door behind me. He said he had a question to ask me, a BIG question. Now at that point, I'm thinking he wants me to investigate another one my friends, or he wants to transfer me to another shift or he's going to fire me…"

"Sara…rambling…" Nick interrupted.

"Oh, right. He sat down at his desk, looked me square in the eye and said, 'do you still love me?'"

"Oh, shit."

"Yeah, oh shit. And you know what I did?"

"You froze."

"I froze. I've been waiting for this for five years, Nick. Five years. I couldn't even bring myself to tell him yes. I do still love him Nick, but it's so hard to feel it very strongly anymore. It's fear. Fear of getting hurt again, fear of losing everything we've worked hard to rebuild." Sara began to get misty eyed again and she fought to hold the tears back.

"Now you're starting to sound like he did five years ago."

"I know. That's my luck. He's finally over his fear and ready to take the risk, and I'm the one who's gun shy."

"Why do you think that is?"

"It's because I've put myself so far out there so many times and it got me jack shit. What if I put myself out there again, and he _really_ lets me in?"

"Isn't that what you want?"

"Not if he's just going to jerk the rug out from under me again. God, Nick. I can't help but love him, but it's so hard to know what to do."

"I know you froze when he asked you, but did you ever answer him?"

"I told him that I'm trying."

"Trying what?"

"I'm trying to love him."

_Trying to love you_

_No one's come so close or gone so far_

_Trying to love you_

_I've lost and found myself in who you are_

_Trying to love you_

_So easy and so hard_

_Trying to love you_

Grissom stopped dead in his tracks as he passed the break room door. His intention hadn't been to eavesdrop on Nick and Sara's conversation, but he felt as if his feet were glued to the floor. He could tell Sara had been crying, and his heart ached for her. She was terrified to open herself up to him again, and he couldn't blame her. He had made her this way. She offered her heart to him many times, and every time he let his own fear paralyze him. He was afraid he'd lose everything he had worked for all his life. His reputation was at stake, and looking back now, he could see how selfish he had been. He was afraid to let himself completely fall for her, and in turn, he pushed her away. But just like a child she would forgive him and offer her heart yet again, hoping something had changed, and he would allow himself to be with her. He never would, though. The debilitating fear would grip him again and the vicious cycle would start anew. He felt the pain every time he hurt her. His heart would break a little more everyday knowing that he was the reason for her confusion and pain, but he insisted to himself that he was doing the right thing.

He didn't care about the "right thing" anymore. He knew he loved her and that was all that mattered. He could lose his job, and everything he had, but those were all trivial things. He couldn't lose her again. She was the most important person in his life – more important than his career, his reputation, his pride. He would do whatever he had to in order to prove himself to her.

_I've watched myself get stuck_

_I've squandered all my luck_

_I've almost given up_

_Trying to love you_

_Trying to love you_

_Broke my heart_

_It's chipped away my pride_

_Trying to love you_

_Every time I'd see that fault line slide_

_Trying to love you_

_I've crossed the great divide_

Trying to love you 

Catherine rounded the corner of the corridor and saw Grissom looking through the doorway of the break room.

"Hey Gil. What'cha looking at?"

"Catherine! Shut up!" Grissom hissed as he ducked around the corner.

"What's going on?" Catherine whispered as she peeked into the break room. "Oh, you're spying."

"Get over here!" Grissom whispered as he grabbed Catherine's arm and pulled her around the corner with him. As he did, she lost her balance, causing them both to land face down in the floor in front of the door.

"Damn it." Grissom said as Catherine laughed.

Sara spun around in her chair to see Grissom slowly pounding his head on the floor. "Damn it, damn it, damn it…" he kept mumbling.

"What are you doing here, Grissom?" Sara asked, fearful that he had heard her conversation with Nick. "What did you hear?"

"Enough." Grissom said sadly. "I heard enough." Without looking at Sara, he stood and began walking down the hall.

Sara ran to the door. "Grissom!"

"Yeah, " he said as he turned around.

"I need to talk to you."

Nick stood and took Catherine's arm. "Come on Cath. I need your help with something."

Catherine looked at him, a puzzled expression on her face, "With what?"

"You know," Nick said winking, "I need some help with that thing."

"Oh!" Catherine whispered as she began to understand, "That thing with the thing…"

"Yeah, that's it. Let's go see how Greg's doing on that…"

With that, Nicked pulled Catherine from the break room leaving Sara and Grissom alone to talk. As Grissom entered the break room, Nick and Catherine hid around the corner to listen.

"Sara, I'm sorry," Grissom said as he pulled her into a hug.

"What do you have to be sorry about? You're trying to give me everything I've always wanted. I'm the one who should be sorry."

"Why is that?"

"Because when it finally came down to 'go time' I couldn't even move."

"But that's my fault. I was so afraid to make a decision for myself and let myself fall in love with you, that I thought keeping you at a distance was best for both of us, but what it really did was break your heart over and over again. I guess while I was pushing you away, I was also pushing my fear of getting hurt on to you as well. Now you're so afraid that I'll distance myself again, that you can't even make a decision. I'm sorry."

"Griss, it's not that I can't make a decision. I know what my answer to your question is, and if you heard me talking to Nick, then you know what it is, too. I love you. I'm just afraid that it'll come back to bite me in the ass."

"Even after everything I've put you through, you can still find reason to love me?"

"Yes. Even after everything. After the fights, and the arguments, and all the times I've slammed your office door knowing for sure it was going fall off the hinges. After the distance between us, after the times I've wanted to slap you across your face, after all the horrible things we've said to each other – I still loved you all that time. And I think I knew that you loved me, too, but you were just too afraid to say it. That's what bothered me. Your fear was stronger than any feelings you had for me, and I didn't think you would ever let yourself feel something strong enough to overcome that fear."

"Sara, that fear is gone now. I tried to deny my feelings for you, but I can't any longer. I love you, and there is nothing in the world that can change that. No one can ever take that away from me, and there will never be any other feeling that will eclipse the way I feel for you."

"Grissom?'

"Yes?" Grissom pulled away from their embrace so he could look in her eyes.

"Shut up and kiss me."

_Trying to love you_

_I've screamed your name_

_I've slammed a thousand doors_

_Trying to love you_

_I've worn a million miles across the floor_

_Trying to love you_

_Still I could not ignore _

_Trying to love you_

Grissom placed his hands on either side of Sara's face and slowly pulled her in to share their first kiss, but stopped slightly short of her lips. He gazed into her emotion filled eyes, wanting to remember exactly how she looked in this moment. She was showing him her signature "Sara smile", and a few strands of hair hung down in her face. He swept the strands away as she closed her eyes and turned her face into his palm. She kissed it gently, and moved closer to him until the full length of their bodies were touching. Again, he moved in for a kiss, but stopped before his lips found hers. He smiled as he spoke.

"Nick, Catherine? Don't you have that thing with the thing that you're supposed to be working on?"

"Uh…yeah. We were just...uh…waiting to get some coffee," Catherine stammered.

"There's coffee downstairs," Sara laughed.

Sara closed her eyes as Grissom's lips met hers. She had been waiting for this moment for five years. It was everything and nothing like she had imagined, all at the same time. His lips were as soft and tender as she thought, but the emotion behind his kiss was far beyond imagination. He told her in one kiss everything he'd been keeping inside all those years. They pulled away from the kiss, faces barely an inch apart, neither opening their eyes.

"Sara," Grissom said, his lips grazing hers, "I love you."

" I know you do."

"Aww, how sweet." Sara heard Greg's voice and spun around. Standing in the hall were Catherine, Nick, Warrick, and Greg, all clapping and celebrating the fact that Grissom and Sara had finally said the words that they had been hiding for so long.

Sara leaned her head towards Grissom's ear and whispered, " I guess they know you do, too."

_It's pulled the best from me_

_For all the world to see_

_I guess I'll always be_

_Trying to love you_


End file.
